With sales dwindling as I wound down the company, I thought I’d have to couch-surf and beg, borrow or steal. Returning the two company cars was the first time in my life where I wasn’t financially stable enough to own a car. And then the whole mess ended in bankruptcy; for me, not him. That was fun. Then a dear friend stepped up and offered me a wee spot to rest.
As luck would have it, she was a clinical counselor, and a mighty old soul to boot. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Over the next year we put on many miles walking the secluded country trails by her place. We walked and talked and worked through the whole mess and what it all meant. Even though I was being taunted by the X, she kept me focused on my mantra, “There has to be something better out there than this” and my new goal was to get back to that Pink Cotton-Candy Place of Peace. This was yet another beginning for me, only this time something was really different.
I learned a few things along those country trails: people can be truly deceptive; more often than not, unless we expressly look, we aren’t able to see how we are in their own lives, or the impact we have on others; and most importantly unless we really want to change our lives, nothing is going to change. I wanted to change my life. I wanted to know what I was doing wrong, and I cared about the impact I had on my own life and on other’s.
I started by clearing the boulders along the road ahead…those pesky little issues that keep coming up all the time. I wanted to know myself better, and so I started with a list of my values. You know what? It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I realized that when I’m busy watching others; being a sister, a daughter, a wife and a businessperson, getting to know myself was like a chore sitting on the bottom shelf gathering dust. Where do I start?
I figured if I had any, my values would always have been with me, so with a little tutelage from my friend, I looked to the past to see if I could find some kind of golden thread that stood out. I remembered that when my son was growing up I was adamant that no matter what, I told him to tell the truth, and particularly to me; of course. I wondered if truth was one of my values and so I tested the theory over the next six months. I focused on the truth; in conversation, in decision-making, in what I believed, how I needed to respond, and sure enough, I just had to have the truth…about everything. No sugar coating for this gal. I added this value to my list of one.
Another thing that stood out, especially growing up was laughter. In our house and at Nan and Boo’s, we laughed all the time. People in my family were either funny or weird, depending on perspective, and after Mom’s death in 1989, I had to say I missed the laughter the most. I didn’t care if this was a value or not, laughter was really important to me. I added humour to my list, and then I tested it out too. At the time, with everything that had happened humour wasn’t exactly easy to come by. But my friend and new-found mentor had a great sense of humour that lit both of us up from time to time. That healing energy was well worth the focus on the lighter side.
I tested and added a few more and ended up with four: truth, humour, fairness and of course honesty. These were my yardsticks, my scale, my looking glass, my filters. I figured if my values meant something to me, if I met them around every corner, I just might be happier with me. Every time I had to make a decision, when I was working on changes or just plain living in general, I ‘consciously’ tried to filter everything through at least one of these values.
The best part however was when I realized that upon making an important decision, once I did my homework on the details, I’d just sit with all the possible answers for a while. I began to accept the fact that very few things in life needed to be decided on the spot; only bleeding or breathing came to mind. This meant I could take my time and use my values first before making another bad decision.
I soon learned how to tune in to my own gut instinct for clarity. I would focus on one possible answer, sometimes for months, and I waited. I could recognize the soft and comfortable peace that would eventually move into my chest as a very important sign of my own Truth. And when it happened, I knew the right answer. Could I be tapping into my Pink Cotton-Candy Place of Peace?
As I tested it out, I began to trust this process more and more; hindsight and experience became very precious. My decisions were better, life levelled out from the roller coaster ride I’d been on for fifty years, and not only was I getting to know myself, I was starting to build a true relationship with my own strengths. I was on a healing journey…and wondering what on earth would happen next?
To be continued…
Country Trails – Maridav @ 123rf Stock Photos
Past and Future – igoncept @ 123rf Stock Photos
At Peace – agencyby @ 123rf Stock Photos
Healing Journey – Lillian Rudchenko @ 123rf Stock Photos
Recent Faye Thornton Articles:
- A Journey To Spirit #24: Divine Messages
- A Journey to Spirit #23: The Big C
- A Journey to Spirit #22: And Now It Was Done
- A Journey to Spirit # 21: And So It Began…
- A Journey to Spirit #20: Breathless Heart