Death by Donut
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  • Post published:13/05/2021
  • Post last modified:13/05/2021

How do you all feel about gift cards? I have a love/hate relationship with them. On the one hand, they’re pretty handy to pick up as a present for people who you’re supposed to shop for but don’t know that well. New friends, coworkers, secret Santas. Better a gift card that can easily be re-gifted than another basket of soaps or stale crackers. On the other hand, now I have these gift cards to stores I normally wouldn’t patronize. It feels like forced consumerism. Which annoys me.

So I was already a little huffy as I was standing in line at Tim Hortons, waiting to buy a coffee with a $5 gift card I’d received months before. I wanted coffee, yes, but I resented having to buy it at Tim Hortons. (Yes, this is another glimpse at my un-Canadianism. I know, I KNOW. Tim Hortons is like the best. Canadian. Thing. Ever. I learned this hard and fast when I lived in Halifax. Boy-o-boy do those folks love their Timmy’s. Can’t enter or leave a city without going through the drive-through. It’s okay coffee I guess. If you like poison.)

Now, this shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone, but Tim Horton’s food is bad for you. We’re talking about a donut shop here. I don’t care how healthy they make their soups and sandwiches sound. They’re still just different combinations of fat and salt. Did you know that their sausage breakfast sandwich has 33 grams of fat? Seriously! Check out their nutrition calculator to be horrified by the fat and sugar content of your favourite treats.

Okay, so to recap, I’m in line, waiting for coffee, staring at the trays and trays of oily donuts and muffins and bagels. And what do I see on their plasma TV right above the cashiers head where they flash ads of all the fatty foods you can buy, just in case you didn’t see them on display all around you…?

Are you ready for this…?

It’s called the Candy Bar Supreme.

It’s a donut. Topped with chocolate. Covered in M&Ms.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Need a cupful of sugar in your system right now? But can’t decide between enjoying it through a donut or a chocolate bar? Never fear! With Timmy’s new Candy Bar Supreme, you can enjoy both AT THE SAME TIME! The ultimate in dining convenience. Insulin sold separately. Consult your doctor if pregnant, nursing, or if you care about your health and wellbeing at all.

It even has its own price. All donuts are 90 cents. Except the CANDY BAR SUPREME. It’s $1.20. That’s a 30% mark up, folks. But really it’s a steal, if you consider how much it would cost to buy your candy bar separately. Jokes on Timmy’s!

Tim Hortons. Friendly Canadian business? Or double agent for an evil alliance of countries that is trying to destroy Canada by picking off its citizens through heart failure and sugar comas, one donut at a time?

You decide.

PS: Turned out that I’d already used my gift card, so I had to pay for that damned coffee. Curse you, Mr. Horton!


Photo Credits

“Tim Hortons” © Shareski @ Flickr

“Candy Bar Supreme” © Tim Hortons

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