“Speaking Out, or, How I Let My Friend Die”

This was written at a very intense moment of self reflection, attributed to friends, as well as personal experience. It is completely true as I see it.

 

Speaking Out, or, How I Let My Friend Die
Lauren Spencer

I watched you kill yourself
First slowly
Then so quickly I couldn’t blink
You thought it was secret
Secret from everyone
But I saw
And I begged
For you to get help
To stop
You begged me to be quiet
To stop
And I never told

I watched you cut yourself
As the scars piled up
Your skin became rough
Crosshatched across your body
Words carved into your palms
Documenting your pain
Your sadness
Your despair
I saw all of these
You showed me
You told me
I tried to help you
To stop you
You told me to stay silent
That I didn’t need to stop you
And I never told

I watched you spiral
I saw you crash
You drank
And I drank with you
Until we couldn’t stand
We couldn’t think
When you smoked
I was there with you
Coughing it all the way
Flying with you
Laughing with you
Watching you sink deeper
I let you help yourself
And we didn’t stop
We kept it a silly secret
We didn’t stop
And I never told

I watched you
And I looked up to you
And you were there for me
Twinned friends
Partners in pain
I listened
I saw
And I failed you
Everyday I saw you
I should have helped
Forced you to stop
But out of love I stayed mute
Too afraid to stop
And I never told

I watched
As you decomposed in the earth
I stood at your grave
As I stand here now
Your headstone was still new
Still clean
And I spoke to you
About everything we had known
Had done
And I speak here
With your voice
Without your blessing
I break every promise I ever made
I break my silence
Not for myself
Or for my guilt
Not even for you
It is too late for that now
I do it for the friends
The mothers, the fathers
For the scarred girl who can’t speak
For the boy who drowns in drink
For all the children of the century
Speak out
Save them
Don’t be like me
I couldn’t help
Until death made it stop
I was mute
I let my friend die
Because I never told

 

Photo Credit:  

Photo courtesy of Lauren Spencer

 

This article has been previously published at Wattpad

 


Guest Author Bio

Lauren Spencer
My name is Lauren D. Spencer. I was born in Mesa, Arizona on the 27th of July. Poetry is my passion in this life, and hopefully the next.

Blog / Website: http://www.wattpad.com/user/Fenrex

 

 

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